| "Jesus was never
pregnant before. How can you say that whatever we can/will experience, He had
already done it all, so he can be a comfort for us? He never needed to have the
pain that a woman needs to bare when she deliver a child! He also never needed
to consider and choose if He needs to raise a child or go for His career! How
fair is that!?!?"
That's my screaming and statement to Michael, my husband a few times when we
had discussions about my agony of being pregnant at this unexpected time. I
thought I was so justified by my statement. I thought I had asked the hard
question to God that will take a while for anyone to answer this tough
question, including God.
My life, my thoughts and my emotion has been dramatically
changing up and down ever since I found out that I am pregnant last summer. It
should have been a great news for me, since I do love kids and would like to
have them sometime in my life; only except the news came when we just barely
paid our wedding bills and I am just getting back to my violin practicing
routine, hoping that I will get a full time orchestra job within an year or tow
in order to settle down more for having a family. Isn’t it a reasonable and
nice plan? For us/musician, for me, definitely! God’s plan for me? I guess the
answer is – NO, Jassamine, NO!
Over months and months of praying, consulting with different
godly moms and ladies, and trying to pay much close attention to sermons,
trying to see what God has to say to me. Where is He leading me with all this? Why me? Why Now? How about my violin
career? It will not be possible if I stop now while everyone else is practicing
and getting jobs. After all these years of preparation and education, are You
telling me that I will “just” be a mom? Without getting any rewards on the
earth? HIS answers? Sic Transit Gloria
Mundi – Thus Passes the Glory of the World.
The thing is, we are
living in a materialistic, pleasure centered, de-spiritualized, and no eternity
culture. As much as we don’t want to recognize it, we are easily distracted
by what we see about what’s happening in this world, without noticing it, we
are thinking like the world, rather than being the light and salt of the world;
especially when we are so caught up with our life and difficulties of it. All
the trials in life, all the bills, why? Why cannot You fix all the problems?
Just when I was so frustrated by all these thoughts, HE said to me, ‘Your Heavenly Father has decided that you
would not just skip trials and fly to glory, after you come to Christ and
become disciple.’ ‘God is in careful control of the details of our experiences.
He chooses exact place and length for you and your life.’ ‘For you know that
the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.’
“But, LORD, you don’t understand, it’s really hard to get a
job as a musician already. If you made me as one, why cannot I complete the
mission first before I am assigned the other?” this attitude of mine, turns
into – “You will never get it! You are God of Heaven. You have everything. You
don’t even need anything. What do you care? You sit there, assigns different
things for different people to do on earth for just glorifying Yourself,
without realizing how hard all the tasks are. We suffer, and you get the
glory?!?! All I want is a steady job with steady family!!!”
‘We want our way, like
the sheep go astray. We have turned every one to his own way. ~ Isaiah 53:6.’ ‘As
to us, we would have to want to gain and pursue the earthly confidence. The
world is passing away. Only doing the will of God; the soul will last and
endure.’ ‘Jesus is/should be the true treasure of our heart.’ ‘Fix your eyes on
what’s unseen not those could be seen; for the former is eternal, the later is
temporary.’
That worked for a while until my selfish, sinful nature had
caught my mind again and literally pushed God away from my life for a week by
not reading a word of His, nor praying to Him.(except for blessings before the
meal.) Toward the end of this week, on Saturday, I eventually quiet down and
picked up the devotional book that we are doing every Tuesday with some ladies
from church. Sure enough, He uses the exact chapter of the book to speak to me for
my weakness.
From Genesis Chapter 12 – 21, God uses Sarai/Sarah and
Abram/Abraham to show me how even as saints in the Old Testament as they are;
they had the similar problem as well as most of us. They tried to lie to Pharaoh,
using their own way, in order to “protect” them, yet bringing them and others
more harm. Sarai went for her own plan by giving her servant, Hagar to Abram in
order to have a child, without seeking God’s plan first. By doing which, she
brought more complications into their life and others. How much she tried to
“help” God, instead of letting God help her. Sarah later on could not believe
that she would have a son with Abraham at their old age. She struggles with the Challenge of believing God or believing her
circumstances. While what they were hearing from God pointed in one direction,
their circumstances pointed the opposite way. Even when God was telling them, “Is anything too difficult for the LORD?
......” ~Genesis 18:14.
How comforting it is for me to see that I am not the only one. As
much as Sarah and Abraham could not believe having a kid in their late years, I
cannot be convinced that I should be pregnant right now. However, God in His Perfect timing and infinite
wisdom had set the stage in such a way that He would get the greatest glory –
He had made it impossible apart from Him. What are we on this earth for?
Why are we made? As much as people/I want to deny it, we are made for His
Glory. Without thoroughly understanding that, we will be self focus, as Satan
is. That’s why he was/is the fallen angel and he wants to use the same trick to
trick/trap people on this earth in order to pull them away from God, the Creator
and Maker of all things on earth. Satan has the world. He will tempt anyone/everyone with it. Satan
wants us to be orphans; be away from God; depart from God’s family.
So, what’s for me to think? Well, if it’s His will for me to
be a violinist in orchestra, His timing for audition will be more perfect than mine.
If He wants me to be a mom, and not having a full time job for a while, no
matter how much I fight for it, it will not be done, or I will harm myself, my
kid, my marriage or others as Sarah and Abraham had their consequences by going
their own way. Yes, His plan for me is really pointing at the opposite
direction from what the circumstances is showing. But, He gets His will
done one way or another, whether you like it or not. I can choose to obey, or
else away from Him, which will never end up anything good. (I have done similar
choosing task before about my past romantic relationship. Talked to my pastor,
prayed about it, didn’t want to listen, and yet got more miserable for two
years. However, the patient God still have grace and mercy, eventually brought
me back to Him.) Do I want another two years of fighting with Him and His will?
No. I don’t want to. For I know how much more miserable my life will be without
Him.
Will I be safe from now? Will I be having no struggles
whatsoever for I choose to stay with His will today and this week? No, for we cannot live today on yesterday’s faith.
Each day brings new challenges and new choices. Each day we must decide if we
will walk in faith or in flesh. ‘Everyone has a choice, either for God, or
against Him.’ ‘After all choices Solomon has made, he still has to choose, for
God, before God, in all aspects of his life.’ So is it for me. I will still need to
choose daily. I will not be really done until the day I see my LORD. There are
so much more lessons for me to learn still. Learn to be obedient; to honor Him
not me; to find comfort in Him not worldly temporary material settlement; it
goes on and on. However, “…… as for me and my house, we will serve
the LORD. ……” ~ Joshua 24:15
So, how did the ‘Jesus being pregnant’ question get
answered? Well, my husband had a session with our senior pastor, came back and
told me, “Yes, Jesus was never pregnant before, however He had to go to the
cross, which was not His will. But He Prayed that Abba’s will be done, not His.
That struggle alone is already very much alike yours. Not to mention, how much
more painful it was to be hung on the cross than laboring and giving birth? And
all that He did was simply because He loves us and die on our behalf. Let alone He was
also tested by Satan about having the world or choosing for God. After dieing on the cross, He was raised again from the dead; which was/is a blessing from God and that brought/brings glory to God. If you follow God's will, let your own will die, let God's glory shine, there will be blessings coming later. Trust in God."
“Spiritual growth needs
us to choose for God. Choose for God by putting Him first in everything we do,
in all areas of our lives.” “Jesus Chose for God every way and everyday.” – Dr.
Phillip G. Ryken
*Note: Words captured in this form, are quoted from sermons and book as
listed below –
Sermons (which could be found and heard on
www.tenth.org):
Dr. Phillip G. Ryken – Sic
Transit Gloria Mundi (1 Kings 10:23-25)
Solomon’s Choice (1 King 9:1-28)
Dr. Paul D. Tripp – Why Me?
Why Now? (James 1:1-4)
Humble Pride
(James 1:9-11)
The Theology
of Luminescence (Matthew 5:13-16)
Book:
Life
Principles from the Women of the Bible, Book one – Lesson 2, Sarah, A Woman Of
Faith ~ by Wayne Barber. Eddie Rasnake. Richard Shepherd. |
